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| Have you ever spoken to someone and think that he was just pretending to sound smart and intellectual and you can see right through that empty naivety?
I feel like that sometimes. As in on the receiving end of it. I can never seem get my point across. My vocabulary feels so limited that it also limits my ability to make other understand my thoughts and point of views. It gets really frustrating sometimes..especially when i start to stutter.
One way to overcome my lack of vocabulary would probably be to read more but unfortunately I'm going through a phase where no book can seem to keep me interested long enough for me to finish it. Another way would be to read the dictionary...........right. I'll leave option two at that.
I feel so inadequate sometimes. I'm surrounded by extremely intelligent people and I just don't feel up to par with them. Especially my college mates. Intelligent people with such extreme amounts of general knowledge and understanding.. and i envy them for that. I envy them for the depth of their thoughts [sometimes] and how UNignorant they are. I feel superficial somehow when I'm around them.
But i suppose we are who we are... just exactly who am i?
Where am i among these worldly people i most associate with in college?
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| I think each of us have our own version of neverland. If you were to think about it, Neverland in the famous Peter Pan by J.M. Barry was somewhat his [J.M. Barry's] fantasy land. The place where he would like to escape to, the place that is his and his alone.
Some people's Neverland may be movies or tv series's. Others probably Music or books even. For me however, is a combination of all three.
I love letting go of my thoughts, emotions, my whole being and just allow it to be engulfed in one or all of those mediums. I love feeling as though I am in that song/movie/book. Apart of the story if you will. Thats my escape. My Neverland.
I suppose thats what attracts me to Acting. Being someone else, feeling what someone else is feeling even for a while...thats exciting to me.
Although while saying all this I just realised that I probably sound as though i don't know who I am and that I'm confused and what not. But on the contrary. I know exactly who I am. And acting would challenge that, and make me only know me even more.
However, Acting does not only happen in the movies or tv or theater. It's in our everyday life. We exercise it every single day. This morning for instance. My mum and I went send my dad off at the airport and one of his colleagues introduced this young lady [he was probably 40+ and she probably 20/30] as his second wife. Obviously it'll take a few people off guard but thats where your acting skills come in. Just smile and make it look genuine. My mum couldn't do that :p heh.
ANYWAY back to Neverland.
I love feeling what the characters in the book/movie is feeling. The love, joy and happiness. And that laughing in tears when an ending is so cheesiely sweet. I enjoy it. I really do. My guilty pleasure. My escape. Same thing i suppose.
oh well. :)
so how's your day been?
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| Okay okay i know its a wee early to call it insomnia [12.30 wtf?] but i have been sleep deprived lately...for some unknown reason i'm wide awake now. Hence thought i'd blog.
 
I'm pretty chuffed about the Mraz concert and also Sunburst KL round 2! I'm just hoping they won't disappoint with the acts. I mean the line ups and rumours that have been going around, is really bringing this girls hopes up. For more facebook dets, *click*
In other Najwa related new, I've started surfing. Yes. Actual surfing on a board and in water, not through cyber space. I know I know, you're wondering "where the hell would she be surfing in the Klang Valley?!"
well, Sunway Lagoon. *eheh* but hey, the wave is pretty good and its a safe place to start okay?
My lovely neighbour-whos-like-a-brother is teaching me so its going pretty good if i do say so myself.
just thought this was a cool picture. Highly doubt something like this'll happen in Cherating though. Cherating is apparently the closest local place to go surfing. heh. pfft. oh well.
Before i get a little....carried away... with someone, i better go and sleep.
cheers mate.
hope to see you at mraz/sunburst!
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| since i know only a handful of people read my blog, i guess i dont mind sharing this since i suppose it may already be obvious to you guys.
I think i get emotional and cry just so i can get attention. why? just so i'm reminded that people do care for me and are there for me when i need comforting. And when i say people, i suppose i really mean just one person.
I hate myself for wanting this attention. and i despise myself even more for using this to get that attention.
so what do i do to get myself all emotional? see usually it happens when i just feel worn out and had a blah/meh-ish day. So instead of finding ways to make myself happy, i just go "why not get it over with" so i either read/watch things that i know would get me all emotional and *hope* that it would reduce me to tears just so i can cry.
And when this happens, i war within myself would break out. Do i tell people? do i really want them to know? Do i really want to be a burden?
And then i answer mysef. NO. i dont want to be a burden.
but then a small voice in my head would go... "but you can't help it".
and then i go "but you know you can help it"
and so on and so forth...... till i get frustrated, block it out, and find a way to just let the tears flow till i hopefully,eventually fall asleep.
The bigger problem here is, i dont know what i actually want out of doing this. I dont know what the desired outcome is.
I feel so needy and clingy and i'm disgusted at myself for being this way.
he tries to make me happy... but what if i dont want to be? SEE WHAT I MEAN BY I DONT KNOW WHAT THE DESIRED OUTCOME IS?
i mean if i dont want him to make me happy then what exactly is the attention that i want? if i can't answer this myself then no wonder i drive him up the wall! fuck
sigh..
why is it that i feel like i need his attention? i mean he gives me so much.. is there something specific that i want from him? and if there is..what is it?
i'm over thinking things aren't i? i
i can't brush this off anymore.
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| I just read Nicole's post on why she thinks she's been fighting with Sing kiat.
I pride in the fact that me and a certain someone don't fight. And its true...we don't. We get into heated discussions which ends in one or both of us being annoyed, and then both of us apologising to each other but somehow i don't think anything was resolved.
See, body language makes up 70% of communication, thats why people prefer to speak to one another face to face... so much more can be said that way.
I miss him.
When we go out together,
the laughter never seems to seize.
I miss being with him.
Him just being there with me
is all i need for comfort and security.
I miss holding his hand.
The warmth, the feeling of emptiness leaving my hands
as my petite fragile fingers entwines with his big strong ones.
I miss his little squeezes.
when he feels "geram",
I can see it in his eyes that he misses having me in his arms.
none of these require words and yet so much is being said during these moments. so much is felt.
he sometimes feels that i'm taking him for granted..and now i understand why. Its because i no longer know how to use words to describe what I'm feeling, what i need, what i want, what he needs to hear, what he needs from me. I've forgotten how to do that. Words fail me. The things i feel, the things i want to tell him, there are no words to describe them... no words i know anyway.
It used to be so easy......... it used to come naturally.......the words would just flow...
now even in my everyday life, it seems like my vocabulary is diminishing..disappearing.. lessening GOSH i can't even find the word i want right now...
sigh.
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