jazzy_Naj's Xanga

A superficial realisation

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 14:27:32 GMT

Have you ever spoken to someone and think that he was just pretending to sound smart and intellectual and you can see right through that empty naivety?

I feel like that sometimes. As in on the receiving end of it. I can never seem get my point across. My vocabulary feels so limited that it also limits my ability to make other understand my thoughts and point of views. It gets really frustrating sometimes..especially when i start to stutter.

One way to overcome my lack of vocabulary would probably be to read more but unfortunately I'm going through a phase where no book can seem to keep me interested long enough for me to finish it. Another way would be to read the dictionary...........right. I'll leave option two at that.

I feel so inadequate sometimes. I'm surrounded by extremely intelligent people and I just don't feel up to par with them. Especially my college mates. Intelligent people with such extreme amounts of general knowledge and understanding.. and i envy them for that. I envy them for the depth of their thoughts [sometimes] and how UNignorant they are. I feel superficial somehow when I'm around them.

But i suppose we are who we are... just exactly who am i?

Where am i among these worldly people i most associate with in college?

never land

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 15:08:30 GMT

I think each of us have our own version of neverland. If you were to think about it, Neverland in the famous Peter Pan by J.M. Barry was somewhat his [J.M. Barry's] fantasy land. The place where he would like to escape to, the place that is his and his alone.

Some people's Neverland may be movies or tv series's. Others probably Music or books even. For me however, is a combination of all three.

I love letting go of my thoughts, emotions, my whole being and just allow it to be engulfed in one or all of those mediums. I love feeling as though I am in that song/movie/book. Apart of the story if you will. Thats my escape. My Neverland.

I suppose thats what attracts me to Acting. Being someone else, feeling what someone else is feeling even for a while...thats exciting to me.

Although while saying all this I just realised that I probably sound as though i don't know who I am and that I'm confused and what not. But on the contrary. I know exactly who I am. And acting would challenge that, and make me only know me even more.

However, Acting does not only happen in the movies or tv or theater. It's in our everyday life. We exercise it every single day. This morning for instance. My mum and I went send my dad off at the airport and one of his colleagues introduced this young lady [he was probably 40+ and she probably 20/30] as his second wife. Obviously it'll take a few people off guard but thats where your acting skills come in. Just smile and make it look genuine. My mum couldn't do that :p heh.

ANYWAY back to Neverland.

I love feeling what the characters in the book/movie is feeling. The love, joy and happiness. And that laughing in tears when an ending is so cheesiely sweet. I enjoy it. I really do. My guilty pleasure. My escape. Same thing i suppose.

oh well. :)

so how's your day been?

insomnia

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 16:06:03 GMT

Okay okay i know its a wee early to call it insomnia [12.30 wtf?] but i have been sleep deprived lately...for some unknown reason i'm wide awake now. Hence thought i'd blog.

I'm pretty chuffed about the Mraz concert and also Sunburst KL round 2! I'm just hoping they won't disappoint with the acts. I mean the line ups and rumours that have been going around, is really bringing this girls hopes up. For more facebook dets, *click*

In other Najwa related new, I've started surfing. Yes. Actual surfing on a board and in water, not through cyber space. I know I know, you're wondering "where the hell would she be surfing in the Klang Valley?!"
well, Sunway Lagoon. *eheh* but hey, the wave is pretty good and its a safe place to start okay?
My lovely neighbour-whos-like-a-brother is teaching me so its going pretty good if i do say so myself.

just thought this was a cool picture. Highly doubt something like this'll happen in Cherating though. Cherating is apparently the closest local place to go surfing. heh. pfft. oh well.

Before i get a little....carried away... with someone, i better go and sleep.

cheers mate.

hope to see you at mraz/sunburst!

secrets

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 15:13:57 GMT

since i know only a handful of people read my blog, i guess i dont mind sharing this since i suppose it may already be obvious to you guys.

I think i get emotional and cry just so i can get attention. why? just so i'm reminded that people do care for me and are there for me when i need comforting. And when i say people, i suppose i really mean just one person.

I hate myself for wanting this attention. and i despise myself even more for using this to get that attention.

so what do i do to get myself all emotional? see usually it happens when i just feel worn out and had a blah/meh-ish day. So instead of finding ways to make myself happy, i just go "why not get it over with" so i either read/watch things that i know would get me all emotional and *hope* that it would reduce me to tears just so i can cry.

And when this happens, i war within myself would break out. Do i tell people? do i really want them to know? Do i really want to be a burden?

And then i answer mysef. NO. i dont want to be a burden.

but then a small voice in my head would go... "but you can't help it".

and then i go "but you know you can help it"

and so on and so forth...... till i get frustrated, block it out, and find a way to just let the tears flow till i hopefully,eventually fall asleep.

The bigger problem here is, i dont know what i actually want out of doing this. I dont know what the desired outcome is.

I feel so needy and clingy and i'm disgusted at myself for being this way.

he tries to make me happy... but what if i dont want to be? SEE WHAT I MEAN BY I DONT KNOW WHAT THE DESIRED OUTCOME IS?

i mean if i dont want him to make me happy then what exactly is the attention that i want? if i can't answer this myself then no wonder i drive him up the wall! fuck

sigh..

why is it that i feel like i need his attention? i mean he gives me so much.. is there something specific that i want from him? and if there is..what is it?

i'm over thinking things aren't i? i

i can't brush this off anymore.

musings...

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 13:59:49 GMT

I just read Nicole's post on why she thinks she's been fighting with Sing kiat.

I pride in the fact that me and a certain someone don't fight. And its true...we don't. We get into heated discussions which ends in one or both of us being annoyed, and then both of us apologising to each other but somehow i don't think anything was resolved.

See, body language makes up 70% of communication, thats why people prefer to speak to one another face to face... so much more can be said that way.
I miss him.
When we go out together,
the laughter never seems to seize.
I miss being with him.
Him just being there with me
is all i need for comfort and security.
I miss holding his hand.
The warmth, the feeling of emptiness leaving my hands
as my petite fragile fingers entwines with his big strong ones.
I miss his little squeezes.
when he feels "geram",
I can see it in his eyes that he misses having me in his arms.

none of these require words and yet so much is being said during these moments. so much is felt.

he sometimes feels that i'm taking him for granted..and now i understand why. Its because i no longer know how to use words to describe what I'm feeling, what i need, what i want, what he needs to hear, what he needs from me. I've forgotten how to do that. Words fail me. The things i feel, the things i want to tell him, there are no words to describe them... no words i know anyway.

It used to be so easy......... it used to come naturally.......the words would just flow...

now even in my everyday life, it seems like my vocabulary is diminishing..disappearing.. lessening GOSH i can't even find the word i want right now...

sigh.

the beginning of 09

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 23:16:34 GMT

See, I had this whole blogging modjo a couple of days ago but i *think* it's gone now. Heh. Anyway.

How do you define a good/great girlfriend? What encompasses the meaning "great girlfriend". Does giving the boyfriend good sex make the girl a good girlfriend and if the girlfriend decides to go celibate, make her a bad one?

Or does her giving him all her time make her a good girlfriend?

Guys can you help me out?

of course the only guy i know that still reads my blog is Isa so, a little help babe? i really need to know.

Enhancement of senses..

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 03:40:37 GMT

Should I Give Up Or Should I Just Keep Chasing Pavements - listening to Adele

So i suppose my birthday celebrations started about... 4 days earlier. Saturday, Someone special took me to Hilton KL where we ate at Iketeru cause they had the japanese buffet there. I DIED and went to Japanese Heaven.

I think I had about 18 pieces of salmon sashimi.........

anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself.

See, Iketeru is not like any normal buffet where its all spread out infront of you for you to attack. You actually have to order and a table can only have 5 dishes at any one time. So what we did was, as soon as about 2 dishes were cleared away, we ordered. That way the food just kept on coming. Fresh, yummy succulent dishes kept on coming our way.

When i say we ordered alot...i mean ALOT. so i shall blog about the dishes another time as i'm now preparing for a barbecue........

sacrificial meat. yeah no doesn't sound too appetizing but hey.. tonnes of beef and lamb coming my way. What better way then to share it with family on this lovely [rainy] eid mubarak / hari raya korban/ aidil adha. :p

of bunga telur and bally shoes [not]

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 15:47:40 GMT

Yeah I actually still remember that story we had to read for English back in form 1?2?3?

So I just got back from Isba and Fariz's wedding at Shangri-La. I have to admit that I was really looking forward to it because the food was catered by Chateau laFite. GOSH! By far the best wedding food i've had [and trust me i may be young but i've been to many, MANY weddings] It was tastefully done. Simple yet classy and timing was good too :)

enough babble. onwards to photos of food! :D

please excuse the quality of the photo. using E65 2mp cam..lost my pretty 3.5mp 6500 :( [yes i do need a PROPER camera]

The moment we sat down, this was brought to us as the appetizer before the appetizer

top right - Truffle brie on melon cantaloupe
bottom right - soft shell crab maki with fish roe
bottom left - asparugs strips with cured atlantic salmon and marinated mushroom
top left - sweet and sour chicken with honey pineapple. TRUST me they looked yummier.

The starters

on the right is smoked salmon filled with scallops. [yum] topped with caviar [double yum]
left - salmon roe with grapefruit and watercrest

wild mushroom soup with cream cheese [delish]

The main course[s]

Slow cooked rack of lamb with tomato chilli glazed baby vegetables and potato tower

yeah my brother couldn't wait to dig in so the picture is senget.

Slow cooked cod fish with lemon and summer truffle sauce

Char grilled beef tenderloin with shrimp mashed potatoes and baby vegetables.

Dessert

couldn't get the whole description because i was lazy. but damn it was all so yummy.

I know you're thinking [wasn't this a wedding? where're the bride and groom?]

waiting for pictures to appear on facebook. :p hee! have a good week everyone!

funny...

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 09:01:52 GMT

I'm a little young to feel subconsciously depressed around my birthday time aren't I? But it seems to be a recurring thing since my 16th birthday. I say subconsciously because I only recently put 2 and 2 together.. heh.

Here's a question for you guys to ponder on. Does the person that you hope that reads your blog, read your blog?

My answer is no. I wish he would but he doesn't read blogs. Not mine anyway. Probably because my writing isn't interesting enough.

Anyway. Here I am in my room at 5.30 in the afternoon with the rain pouring like cats and dogs which suits my mood.... cool breeze coming through my window which gives me an opportunity to save electricity. Everything is so expensive nowadays. Food, Clothes, Utilities, Petrol....one thing isn't though...peace. Peace doesn't even have to cost a cent. All it would need is common sense for peace.

For my peace all i need is to just walk out and be alone for awhile. My house is starting to feel very claustrophobic though i'm not quite sure why..

I'll end this short and pointless post here...with what i assume to be a poem but i'm not sure anymore.

do the days seem bleak to you?
does everything seem like a repetition?
your life with me, is it nothing new?
whats the future like, in your vision...?

i strike your chord
almost daily now
i can't help but feel that you're bored
with who i am now.

it took so much
for us to get here
yet it takes so little
for "here" to disappear.

i made a mistake
one that i'll always regret
it makes my heart ache
yet on the surface you say "no sweat"

I knew deep down
you didn't mean it
i knew deep down
you weren't okay with it.

yet i went on with my mistake
the one that makes my heart ache
you still say "no sweat"
but its something i'll always regret.

there's nothing i can do or say
to make this heart ache go away
because i know you're hurting too
yet, i don't know what to do or say except
i love you.

i loved you then
i'm in love with you now
and i'll love you always.

i need you to know that
i need you to trust me
i need you to know that
i won't hurt you intentionally.

Love is a very strong word.
we took it for granted once
and oh how we paid.

but we know better now.
it took as awhile
to gather our thoughts and courage
to utter those three simple words again.

see, the thing is
we did.
we uttered them
we meant them

and those three simple words have the power to tear us apart.

oh such irony.

once you let yourself go, you wanna keep going.

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:27:07 GMT

No the title of this post has got nothing to do with me going crazy/drinking copious amounts of alcohol/doing drugs/going about town in the nude[although this i imagine, would be very liberating].

It's about me changing my hairstyle after having the same one for so so long and now... i can't stop changing my hairstyle. I find myself getting bored with it. terrible i say.

from oh beautiful long hair how i miss thee

to this the shortest i've ever gone [at the time]

and now as of monday 24th of november.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.
I have a fringe. [which i now regret because i'm going to have to blow dry it constantly]
and its layered even shorter than before. by the by, this picture is when it was salon dried.

wow talk about being vain. pictures of myself on my blog.

ANYWAY.

Anyone ever played silent hill? I think its fun when you're playing it with a lot of people. I mean i know its a one person game but i meant play it while having a bunch of other people watching you play. It's like watching an interactive horror movie...it is one actually [silly najwa].

So cousins Basira, Abbas and Bahir decided that having a Silent Hill Sleepover would be a good idea since their parents'll be away and they have a bigass screen tv with surround sound and they live on the 41st floor of a condo. Cousins Athirah and Aizat picked me up at about 11 and off we went for our night.

before we could reach the door, the smell of yummy spaghetti wafted through the corridor...yumm. Courtesy of chef sira. :D

sira burnt garlic bread. very farney. :P heeheeehee

ah....what a night. :)

well this was a blog filled with pictures. i guess it should suffice for a bit. hee :)